A few weeks ago I became deathly ill. Ok, maybe not quite DEATHLY, but I got a really sore throat and it didn't feel nice. I also got a sinus infection and almost lost my voice and had to take numerous medications whose side effects included feeling like a melted slug all the time. Unfortunately the worst days were my days off work so I never got to call in sick (even though I felt like crap when I was at work) and I spent my glorious weekend sitting on the couch playing Snail Bob and drinking vitamin water.
The thing about these ravaging colds is that when one finally does recover, one appreciates all the little things in life even more. One also becomes incredibly dramatic about everything.
Incredibly Enthusiastic Recovering Danae: "WOW! I can drive! When was the last time I was able to drive my own car? must have been before the pandemic hit me..."
Normal Cynical Danae: "It was yesterday."
Incredibly Enthusiastic Recovering Danae: "Food! I can taste thee! Oh joy of joys!"
Normal Cynical Danae: "Yum. Yum."
Incredibly Enthusiastic Recovering Danae: "I must have walked twelve meters just now! Why, when I was ill I could scarce make it from the couch to my room without fainting. Life is a glorious sparkly butterfly!"
Normal Cynical Danae: "No comment."
Tuesday, 12 June 2012
Wednesday, 18 April 2012
Fudgy Wudgy
No. Just no. You don't name an ice cream flavor "fudgy wudgy." That is wrong.
I went to the States today (again!) and we went for ice cream. I only really ever order chocolate ice cream, but the only chocolate they had was called.... Fudgy Wudgy. So of course I am standing in line trying to think of ways to order it without actually having to say the name. And finally I come up with a genius idea just to ask:
"What is your chocolatiest flavor?"
Of course they said, "Fudgy Wudgy."
"Sounds good."
FTW!
My idea didn't backfire until we had our ice cream and I thought I'd be funny, so I asked,
"So, you get a lot of people who are embarrassed to order that flavor?" (insert "I are funny" smile)
By then the two cashiers were having a conversation without me so I just stood there awkwardly until I realized they hadn't heard me. Then a tumbleweed blew in so I left.
I went to the States today (again!) and we went for ice cream. I only really ever order chocolate ice cream, but the only chocolate they had was called.... Fudgy Wudgy. So of course I am standing in line trying to think of ways to order it without actually having to say the name. And finally I come up with a genius idea just to ask:
"What is your chocolatiest flavor?"
Of course they said, "Fudgy Wudgy."
"Sounds good."
FTW!
My idea didn't backfire until we had our ice cream and I thought I'd be funny, so I asked,
"So, you get a lot of people who are embarrassed to order that flavor?" (insert "I are funny" smile)
By then the two cashiers were having a conversation without me so I just stood there awkwardly until I realized they hadn't heard me. Then a tumbleweed blew in so I left.
Monday, 16 April 2012
When I Panic I Go Like This
Whenever something happens that I don't know how to deal with, I flap my arms from the elbow down like a panicked bird that can't fly. Actually it looks like how chickens look when you scare them. It's really pointless because I can't fly away.
Once I was in a bank with my sister and it wasn't our usual bank so I couldn't find the ATM's. I started the flappy thing with my arms and said "WULLLLLL!!!!" in a retared, strangled sounding voice and glanced around wildly trying to find them. Eventually a lady working at the bank came up to us and smiling sympathetically, directed us to the ATM's, which were about 20 feet away directly in front of us. I was like, "Oh."
My sister was embarrassed to be seen with me that day. I kinda was too.
Once I was in a bank with my sister and it wasn't our usual bank so I couldn't find the ATM's. I started the flappy thing with my arms and said "WULLLLLL!!!!" in a retared, strangled sounding voice and glanced around wildly trying to find them. Eventually a lady working at the bank came up to us and smiling sympathetically, directed us to the ATM's, which were about 20 feet away directly in front of us. I was like, "Oh."
My sister was embarrassed to be seen with me that day. I kinda was too.
Wednesday, 28 March 2012
Actually Drooling
Lately I have found that I am gradually losing control of my mouth. Sometimes I will be talking and suddenly I don't even know where my lips are anymore and I will start drooling. It's disgusting. Or I will laugh and for some reason it will come out ten times louder than is necessary, possibly spray someone and then end abruptly.
The other day I went out to eat and my salad wouldn't stay in my mouth. It just wouldn't. The waiter was staring at me as leaves of unusual size tried desperately to escape my mouth. I wish I could eat normally again but I can't seem to accomplish that. Maybe my mouth shrunk. Maybe my lips are deteriorating into mushy flaps of glue. I have also noticed that when I smile, only one side of my mouth lifts. Therefore I now have a lopsided grin. It's creepy.
So now I am afraid to sleep, talk, eat and smile in public. Or alone. Sometimes being alone is more awkward than being in front of people. Either way...
The other day I went out to eat and my salad wouldn't stay in my mouth. It just wouldn't. The waiter was staring at me as leaves of unusual size tried desperately to escape my mouth. I wish I could eat normally again but I can't seem to accomplish that. Maybe my mouth shrunk. Maybe my lips are deteriorating into mushy flaps of glue. I have also noticed that when I smile, only one side of my mouth lifts. Therefore I now have a lopsided grin. It's creepy.
So now I am afraid to sleep, talk, eat and smile in public. Or alone. Sometimes being alone is more awkward than being in front of people. Either way...
Friday, 16 March 2012
Who's Afraid of the Dark? (me)
Yesterday I spent the entire day cleaning and reorganizing my room. I'm not exaggerating when I say the entire day. Apart from an hour or so spent hiding behind the coat rack in the dark having a mild breakdown, the day was dedicated to the upheaval of my room.
For one reason or another, women have this inbred desire to rearrange the furniture every few months. I think it has to do with being somewhat claustrophobic and probably ties in with the breakdowns as well (or maybe that's just me?). I used to have my bed against the wall, but I thought to myself, "hey, why should that stay there?" So I moved it to the middle of the room.
I realized that night why I had kept the bed against the wall. I woke up in the middle of the night for no apparent reason and realized "It's dark in here..." I started to feel vulnerable and began to realize how easy it would be for something to reach over the sides of the bed and grab me. My protective wall was gone. I was stranded on an island-bed in the middle of my own room in the dark mysterious hours of the monsters and other things that go bump in the night. I can't begin to describe the feeling of helplessness.
Whenever I get scared at night (which is more often than I like admitting) I always feel embarrassed about in the morning. So I'm resolving to get used to it and am leaving my bed where it is. I don't need protective walls.
After all, I eat nails for breakfast, right?
For one reason or another, women have this inbred desire to rearrange the furniture every few months. I think it has to do with being somewhat claustrophobic and probably ties in with the breakdowns as well (or maybe that's just me?). I used to have my bed against the wall, but I thought to myself, "hey, why should that stay there?" So I moved it to the middle of the room.
I realized that night why I had kept the bed against the wall. I woke up in the middle of the night for no apparent reason and realized "It's dark in here..." I started to feel vulnerable and began to realize how easy it would be for something to reach over the sides of the bed and grab me. My protective wall was gone. I was stranded on an island-bed in the middle of my own room in the dark mysterious hours of the monsters and other things that go bump in the night. I can't begin to describe the feeling of helplessness.
Whenever I get scared at night (which is more often than I like admitting) I always feel embarrassed about in the morning. So I'm resolving to get used to it and am leaving my bed where it is. I don't need protective walls.
After all, I eat nails for breakfast, right?
Tuesday, 13 March 2012
Cat Names
For those of you who actually read my blog, I'm sorry I haven't written in so long. Main reason: I had a really, truly, lovely flu.
We are getting kittens!!! There will be two of them but of course, as we are not a normal family, the naming process was very weird. Some of the names my mom came up with were:
* Kit and Kat
* Dash and Dot
* Zig and Zag
Some of the names my brothers and sister and I came up with:
* Pylon and Dunce Cap
* Zap Strap and Zip Strip
* Pilgraphine and Memphis
* This and Tree Trunk
* Some Cones and The Other Cat
* Snap, Crackle and Poop (we would throw in the dog there as well)
* Magneto and Professor X
* Snoot and Snout
* Nyan Cat and Spaghetti Cat
What we ended up with: Flannery-Guilford Thermopolis Longstocking and Buckminsterfullerene.
We are getting kittens!!! There will be two of them but of course, as we are not a normal family, the naming process was very weird. Some of the names my mom came up with were:
* Kit and Kat
* Dash and Dot
* Zig and Zag
Some of the names my brothers and sister and I came up with:
* Pylon and Dunce Cap
* Zap Strap and Zip Strip
* Pilgraphine and Memphis
* This and Tree Trunk
* Some Cones and The Other Cat
* Snap, Crackle and Poop (we would throw in the dog there as well)
* Magneto and Professor X
* Snoot and Snout
* Nyan Cat and Spaghetti Cat
What we ended up with: Flannery-Guilford Thermopolis Longstocking and Buckminsterfullerene.
Tuesday, 6 March 2012
Free-pills!
I will make this post short because it is a rather embarrassing subject for some (myself included). Junk mail is not fun for anyone to receive in their inbox. I used to get lots of emails from South American people I didn't know, but things have changed. Based on the junk mail I receive now, I WISH I could get mail from random South Americans! Instead I am now receiving advertisements form pharmacies, "free-pills!" agencies and the Max Gentlemen Enlargement Pills company.
I just don't even know anymore...
I just don't even know anymore...
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