I used to be really spoiled because I owned a nice phone and it was free. That's all good and well, except that spoiled children aren't prepared for the real world and all it's turmoil.
I got my blackberry because according to my plan, it was upgrade time. Free phones are nice, but it made me think ALL phones were free ALL the time. But they're not! Blackberries are $600 if you have to pay for them!
From whence did I gather this little nug-bit of wisdom? I dropped my blackberry in the toilet.
Before you freak out, allow me to explain that I simply happened to be texting when I entered the bathroom to get something, and the toilet seat happened to be open and my hands happened to be in fumble-mode, and I happened to drop the phone into the toilet and a salty word happened to escape my otherwise un-corrupted lips as I scrambled to retrieve my precious blackberry.
And it happened to not work anymore. So I had to buy a new phone. Apparently, contrary to my previous conception, the phone company does not dole out blackberries with generous abandon as I would like. You have to pay lots of moneys for them. So I ended up with a stupid Samsung Something-or-other that was cheap and likes to turn itself off at inconvenient times. And I also have to keep explaining to people what happened to my blackberry. Every time I see someone with one I feel like I've lost my child and now I'm jealous of other people's.
:(
Wednesday, 29 February 2012
Monday, 27 February 2012
"Are You Russian?"
I'm not joking about this, it actually happened to me. I was in the line-up at Walmart in the states, and the man in front of me turned around and asked, in the most epic Russian accent and with a twitchy eye,
"Are you Russian?"
I was taken aback at this random question.
"Am I Russian? Umm, no, but my gramma is!"
To which he responded, "No, no, are you RUSSIAN?"
"Am I Russian..."
"Are you Russian?"
"Uh."
Finally; "Are you in a hurry? Are you RUSHING?"
"OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH am I rushing?" (I blush furiously I'm sure)
"You have less than us," he said, "You can go ahead of us in line."
I did, and as I left Walmart, I turned around to give him and his wife a final glance. He was standing there looking after me with an indiscernible expression on his intimidating face, with that twitching eye. I felt like I would see him again someday. I had no idea if that was good or bad.
But it was pretty epic. And awkward.
"Are you Russian?"
I was taken aback at this random question.
"Am I Russian? Umm, no, but my gramma is!"
To which he responded, "No, no, are you RUSSIAN?"
"Am I Russian..."
"Are you Russian?"
"Uh."
Finally; "Are you in a hurry? Are you RUSHING?"
"OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH am I rushing?" (I blush furiously I'm sure)
"You have less than us," he said, "You can go ahead of us in line."
I did, and as I left Walmart, I turned around to give him and his wife a final glance. He was standing there looking after me with an indiscernible expression on his intimidating face, with that twitching eye. I felt like I would see him again someday. I had no idea if that was good or bad.
But it was pretty epic. And awkward.
Wednesday, 22 February 2012
Why Danae Are So Dumb?
One time I got locked out of my house for two hours at 5am.
One time I ate too much junk food at youth group and threw up at my friend's house and had to wake up her parents and tell them.
Today, my truck stalled on the side of the road after some strange jerky movements and the engine light went on. Naturally I called for roadside assistance and had them send me a tow truck. I also phoned the chiropractor and cancelled my impending appointment. The tow truck arrived, Tow-Truck Guy ironically said "This sure puts a kink in your day!" (literally. I cancelled the chiropractor right?) and towed me all the way home (oh, how awkward was that half hour drive with Tow-Truck Guy?). Then Tow-Truck Guy charged me $64.00.
One time I ate too much junk food at youth group and threw up at my friend's house and had to wake up her parents and tell them.
Today, my truck stalled on the side of the road after some strange jerky movements and the engine light went on. Naturally I called for roadside assistance and had them send me a tow truck. I also phoned the chiropractor and cancelled my impending appointment. The tow truck arrived, Tow-Truck Guy ironically said "This sure puts a kink in your day!" (literally. I cancelled the chiropractor right?) and towed me all the way home (oh, how awkward was that half hour drive with Tow-Truck Guy?). Then Tow-Truck Guy charged me $64.00.
Intelligence Scale
God
V
Humans
V
Animals
V
Bugs and Worms
V
Grass and Plants
V
Dirt and Sludge and Demented Cats
V
Me
Why? Because I was just out of gas of course.
Tuesday, 21 February 2012
High School
Oh how I hated high school. For many reasons. Looking back, I realize that there is no life situation more awkward than high school. Here are the main reasons:
1. Lunch. It is never more obvious that you are not popular than at lunch. In elementary school you had to sit at your desk to eat lunch, and then you could go out and play. In high school you are set free into the throng of teenagers immediately after class to make your own way in the world. If you can't find anyone to "hang out" with, you can eat in the library (in a desk in the corner reserved for disruptive students because technically you are not allowed to eat in there). You can sit by your locker, where there is usually a small posse of boys one grade below you making fun of you for no apparent reason or putting pudding on your locker (not in, ON). Or you can wander around trying to avoid people who will judge you for not knowing where to sit.
2. Being Called On. If you were as shy as I was in high school, being called on was torturous. Even if you know the answer, a) you turn red, b) at the sound of your unfamiliar voice all heads turn towards your desk in wonderment at your speaking, and c) for some reason you have to swallow in the middle of your sentence and it comes out sounding weird and broken up and gummy.
3. Some Teachers Just Hate You. I went to two different high schools. At the public school I went to, my gym teacher did NOT like me (I am not athletic in any way). It's stupid because as the goody-two shoes in the class, when she told us to do laps around the gym and then left, I was the only one who did them. I OBEYED, and yet, as we were jogging outside at the park, she ran up beside me and said, "You're not going to get an A with THAT attitude!"
4. Boys. Sometimes you're the new girl, and boys have contests to see who can make you talk because you are quiet. 'Nuff said.
It's amazing we escape these institutions unscathed. I admit, once I left public school, private school was much better. But some people are made for that environment, and some are not. I was not.
1. Lunch. It is never more obvious that you are not popular than at lunch. In elementary school you had to sit at your desk to eat lunch, and then you could go out and play. In high school you are set free into the throng of teenagers immediately after class to make your own way in the world. If you can't find anyone to "hang out" with, you can eat in the library (in a desk in the corner reserved for disruptive students because technically you are not allowed to eat in there). You can sit by your locker, where there is usually a small posse of boys one grade below you making fun of you for no apparent reason or putting pudding on your locker (not in, ON). Or you can wander around trying to avoid people who will judge you for not knowing where to sit.
2. Being Called On. If you were as shy as I was in high school, being called on was torturous. Even if you know the answer, a) you turn red, b) at the sound of your unfamiliar voice all heads turn towards your desk in wonderment at your speaking, and c) for some reason you have to swallow in the middle of your sentence and it comes out sounding weird and broken up and gummy.
3. Some Teachers Just Hate You. I went to two different high schools. At the public school I went to, my gym teacher did NOT like me (I am not athletic in any way). It's stupid because as the goody-two shoes in the class, when she told us to do laps around the gym and then left, I was the only one who did them. I OBEYED, and yet, as we were jogging outside at the park, she ran up beside me and said, "You're not going to get an A with THAT attitude!"
4. Boys. Sometimes you're the new girl, and boys have contests to see who can make you talk because you are quiet. 'Nuff said.
It's amazing we escape these institutions unscathed. I admit, once I left public school, private school was much better. But some people are made for that environment, and some are not. I was not.
Tuesday, 14 February 2012
Other People Have Awkward Moments Too
REALLY???
Yes, Danae, they do.
That is SO cool. Here is an awkward story about someone that isn't me:
A girl I know got asked out to prom by some guy, and she said no. He asked her using a candy gram (I know, high school, right?), and I guess even though she rejected him, for some reason she didn't think it would be awkward to continue associating with him (unlike me, I would totally burn all my bridges, sever all relations and try not to think of his feelings after the dust had settled around him).
So her and some of her friends, including Candy Gram Guy, went out somewhere together. At some point she decided to vent her frustration about not having a prom date to her buddies. It was something along the lines of "Oooohhhh, NOBODY'S going to ask me to prom! I'm going to go ALONE!!! and be single forever..." (I may have added that last bit for my own pleasure) But she said something like that, forgetting the presence of Candy Gram Guy, who, after using a little salty language, said "Um, I asked you."
How do you follow that?
Yes, Danae, they do.
That is SO cool. Here is an awkward story about someone that isn't me:
A girl I know got asked out to prom by some guy, and she said no. He asked her using a candy gram (I know, high school, right?), and I guess even though she rejected him, for some reason she didn't think it would be awkward to continue associating with him (unlike me, I would totally burn all my bridges, sever all relations and try not to think of his feelings after the dust had settled around him).
So her and some of her friends, including Candy Gram Guy, went out somewhere together. At some point she decided to vent her frustration about not having a prom date to her buddies. It was something along the lines of "Oooohhhh, NOBODY'S going to ask me to prom! I'm going to go ALONE!!! and be single forever..." (I may have added that last bit for my own pleasure) But she said something like that, forgetting the presence of Candy Gram Guy, who, after using a little salty language, said "Um, I asked you."
How do you follow that?
Monday, 13 February 2012
"BAAAAAAAPS!"
Restaurants are a breeding ground for uncomfortable situations. Why, they are practically petri dishes of awkwardness. What else do they expect when they shove 40 or 50 strangers in an open room at uncomfortably small booths and tables, give them a list of potential things they could all eat in front of each other while watching others do the same and expect them to answer questions about the quality of the meals while their mouths are full?
Yesterday I was at Triple O's with my family. Triple O's is like a mini White Spot with only hamburgers. It is where we go before all day trips, where we go when we don't want to cook, and where we end up when it doesn't work out to go on vacation to California in the summer (if IKEA also falls through).
Sometimes you say something embarrassing just as everyone at every table falls silent. Sometimes you have to order awkward menu items. Or sometimes, for no reason at all, you turn to your mom and say BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPS!!! in your loudest outside voice.
Oh well. I had a chocolate milkshake so I was OK.
*A bap is a kind of Scottish bun that is very fun to say in an obnoxious childish voice*
*Here is an explanatory flow chart of vacation option hierarchies:
CALIFORNIA!!! (doesn't work out) ---> IKEA... (doesn't work out either) ---> Triple O's.
Friday, 10 February 2012
My Sister's (Jail) Keeper
The other day I took my sister to Value Village to get a medieval costume for school. She decided to be a prisoner, so we bought her a striped shirt and really baggy pants. We also got a belt and used it to turn her shirt into a straight jacket. She really likes the costume, which is great, but also a good example of how weird she is; she can't do anything with her arms when she wears it as she is constantly hugging herself. You'd think that would drive one insane... But maybe that's the point.
Anyway, she was showing the costume to my mom and I was down the hall, and as I entered the kitchen I heard my mom laughing at something - I came around the corner and my sister was awkwardly standing there with the baggy pants around her ankles and her arms tied up and useless. I laughed as well, of course, and then I turned around and my brother came into the room from the other side wearing a beret for no apparent reason. We all laughed, and we all felt a little awkward.
This is a normal day in my house.
Anyway, she was showing the costume to my mom and I was down the hall, and as I entered the kitchen I heard my mom laughing at something - I came around the corner and my sister was awkwardly standing there with the baggy pants around her ankles and her arms tied up and useless. I laughed as well, of course, and then I turned around and my brother came into the room from the other side wearing a beret for no apparent reason. We all laughed, and we all felt a little awkward.
This is a normal day in my house.
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