Recovering From a Life Threatening Illness

       A few weeks ago I became deathly ill. Ok, maybe not quite DEATHLY, but I got a really sore throat and it didn't feel nice. I also got a sinus infection and almost lost my voice and had to take numerous medications whose side effects included feeling like a melted slug all the time. Unfortunately the worst days were my days off work so I never got to call in sick (even though I felt like crap when I was at work) and I spent my glorious weekend sitting on the couch playing Snail Bob and drinking vitamin water.
       The thing about these ravaging colds is that when one finally does recover, one appreciates all the little things in life even more. One also becomes incredibly dramatic about everything.
       Incredibly Enthusiastic Recovering Danae: "WOW! I can drive! When was the last time I was able to drive my own car? must have been before the pandemic hit me..."
       Normal Cynical Danae: "It was yesterday."
       Incredibly Enthusiastic Recovering Danae: "Food! I can taste thee! Oh joy of joys!"
       Normal Cynical Danae: "Yum. Yum."
       Incredibly Enthusiastic Recovering Danae: "I must have walked twelve meters just now! Why, when I was ill I could scarce make it from the couch to my room without fainting. Life is a glorious sparkly butterfly!"
       Normal Cynical Danae: "No comment."

Fudgy Wudgy

       No. Just no. You don't name an ice cream flavor "fudgy wudgy." That is wrong.
       I went to the States today (again!) and we went for ice cream. I only really ever order chocolate ice cream, but the only chocolate they had was called.... Fudgy Wudgy. So of course I am standing in line trying to think of ways to order it without actually having to say the name. And finally I come up with a genius idea just to ask:
       "What is your chocolatiest flavor?"
       Of course they said, "Fudgy Wudgy."
       "Sounds good."
       FTW!
       My idea didn't backfire until we had our ice cream and I thought I'd be funny, so I asked,
       "So, you get a lot of people who are embarrassed to order that flavor?" (insert "I are funny" smile)
       By then the two cashiers were having a conversation without me so I just stood there awkwardly until I realized they hadn't heard me. Then a tumbleweed blew in so I left.

When I Panic I Go Like This

       Whenever something happens that I don't know how to deal with, I flap my arms from the elbow down like a panicked bird that can't fly. Actually it looks like how chickens look when you scare them. It's really pointless because I can't fly away.
       Once I was in a bank with my sister and it wasn't our usual bank so I couldn't find the ATM's. I started the flappy thing with my arms and said "WULLLLLL!!!!" in a retared, strangled sounding voice and glanced around wildly trying to find them. Eventually a lady working at the bank came up to us and smiling sympathetically, directed us to the ATM's, which were about 20 feet away directly in front of us. I was like, "Oh."
       My sister was embarrassed to be seen with me that day. I kinda was too.

Actually Drooling

       Lately I have found that I am gradually losing control of my mouth. Sometimes I will be talking and suddenly I don't even know where my lips are anymore and I will start drooling. It's disgusting. Or I will laugh and for some reason it will come out ten times louder than is necessary, possibly spray someone and then end abruptly.
       The other day I went out to eat and my salad wouldn't stay in my mouth. It just wouldn't. The waiter was staring at me as leaves of unusual size tried desperately to escape my mouth. I wish I could eat normally again but I can't seem to accomplish that. Maybe my mouth shrunk. Maybe my lips are deteriorating into mushy flaps of glue. I have also noticed that when I smile, only one side of my mouth lifts. Therefore I now have a lopsided grin. It's creepy.
       So now I am afraid to sleep, talk, eat and smile in public. Or alone. Sometimes being alone is more awkward than being in front of people. Either way...

Who's Afraid of the Dark? (me)

       Yesterday I spent the entire day cleaning and reorganizing my room. I'm not exaggerating when I say the entire day. Apart from an hour or so spent hiding behind the coat rack in the dark having a mild breakdown, the day was dedicated to the upheaval of my room.
       For one reason or another, women have this inbred desire to rearrange the furniture every few months. I think it has to do with being somewhat claustrophobic and probably ties in with the breakdowns as well (or maybe that's just me?). I used to have my bed against the wall, but I thought to myself, "hey, why should that stay there?" So I moved it to the middle of the room.
       I realized that night why I had kept the bed against the wall. I woke up in the middle of the night for no apparent reason and realized "It's dark in here..." I started to feel vulnerable and began to realize how easy it would be for something to reach over the sides of the bed and grab me. My protective wall was gone. I was stranded on an island-bed in the middle of my own room in the dark mysterious hours of the monsters and other things that go bump in the night. I can't begin to describe the feeling of helplessness.
       Whenever I get scared at night (which is more often than I like admitting) I always feel embarrassed about in the morning. So I'm resolving to get used to it and am leaving my bed where it is. I don't need protective walls.
       After all, I eat nails for breakfast, right?

Cat Names

       For those of you who actually read my blog, I'm sorry I haven't written in so long. Main reason: I had a really, truly, lovely flu.
       We are getting kittens!!! There will be two of them but of course, as we are not a normal family, the naming process was very weird. Some of the names my mom came up with were:
* Kit and Kat
* Dash and Dot
* Zig and Zag
       Some of the names my brothers and sister and I came up with:
* Pylon and Dunce Cap
* Zap Strap and Zip Strip
* Pilgraphine and Memphis
* This and Tree Trunk
* Some Cones and The Other Cat
* Snap, Crackle and Poop (we would throw in the dog there as well)
* Magneto and Professor X
* Snoot and Snout
* Nyan Cat and Spaghetti Cat
       What we ended up with: Flannery-Guilford Thermopolis Longstocking and Buckminsterfullerene.

Free-pills!

       I will make this post short because it is a rather embarrassing subject for some (myself included). Junk mail is not fun for anyone to receive in their inbox. I used to get lots of emails from South American people I didn't know, but things have changed. Based on the junk mail I receive now, I WISH I could get mail from random South Americans! Instead I am now receiving advertisements form pharmacies, "free-pills!" agencies and the Max Gentlemen Enlargement Pills company.
       I just don't even know anymore...
        

Danae Is Typing...

       Am I the only one who hates this? Please tell me I am not the only person who feels awkward about that little thing on facebook chat that lets me know when the other person is typing. It's like the awkward silence of the cyber-world. I don't have a little bubble above my head that says "Danae is thinking..." when I'm trying to respond to someone in a REAL conversation.
       And of course it gets worse when you start typing something, and suddenly they are too! So you both stop and now neither of you are typing. You are sitting there wanting to say "Oh no, you go first," but if you start typing to say that, inevitably they will too. It's a vicious cycle.
       What says "I care about this conversation" more so than typing one letter in the chat box so it will appear that you are typing... when really you are just trying to buy time so you can think of something to say? I beseech you, do not lie to me! You have all done this.
       Lastly, there are those who will let you sit there for 10 minutes while they are typing... waiting for some big story or long piece of news and finally, when they feel they've wasted enough of your time, they say "ya."
       Yeah. I am SO typing right now...

I Miss My Blackberry

       I used to be really spoiled because I owned a nice phone and it was free. That's all good and well, except that spoiled children aren't prepared for the real world and all it's turmoil.
       I got my blackberry because according to my plan, it was upgrade time. Free phones are nice, but it made me think ALL phones were free ALL the time. But they're not! Blackberries are $600 if you have to pay for them!
       From whence did I gather this little nug-bit of wisdom? I dropped my blackberry in the toilet.
       Before you freak out, allow me to explain that I simply happened to be texting when I entered the bathroom to get something, and the toilet seat happened to be open and my hands happened to be in fumble-mode, and I happened to drop the phone into the toilet and a salty word happened to escape my otherwise un-corrupted lips as I scrambled to retrieve my precious blackberry.
       And it happened to not work anymore. So I had to buy a new phone. Apparently, contrary to my previous conception, the phone company does not dole out blackberries with generous abandon as I would like. You have to pay lots of moneys for them. So I ended up with a stupid Samsung Something-or-other that was cheap and likes to turn itself off at inconvenient times. And I also have to keep explaining to people what happened to my blackberry. Every time I see someone with one I feel like I've lost my child and now I'm jealous of other people's.
       :(

"Are You Russian?"

       I'm not joking about this, it actually happened to me. I was in the line-up at Walmart in the states, and the man in front of me turned around and asked, in the most epic Russian accent and with a twitchy eye,
       "Are you Russian?"
       I was taken aback at this random question.
       "Am I Russian? Umm, no, but my gramma is!"
       To which he responded, "No, no, are you RUSSIAN?"
       "Am I Russian..."
       "Are you Russian?"
       "Uh."
       Finally; "Are you in a hurry? Are you RUSHING?"
       "OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH am I rushing?" (I blush furiously I'm sure)
       "You have less than us," he said, "You can go ahead of us in line."
       I did, and as I left Walmart, I turned around to give him and his wife a final glance. He was standing there looking after me with an indiscernible expression on his intimidating face, with that twitching eye. I felt like I would see him again someday. I had no idea if that was good or bad.
       But it was pretty epic. And awkward.

Why Danae Are So Dumb?

       One time I got locked out of my house for two hours at 5am.
       One time I ate too much junk food at youth group and threw up at my friend's house and had to wake up her parents and tell them.
       Today, my truck stalled on the side of the road after some strange jerky movements and the engine light went on. Naturally I called for roadside assistance and had them send me a tow truck. I also phoned the chiropractor and cancelled my impending appointment. The tow truck arrived, Tow-Truck Guy ironically said "This sure puts a kink in your day!" (literally. I cancelled the chiropractor right?) and towed me all the way home (oh, how awkward was that half hour drive with Tow-Truck Guy?). Then Tow-Truck Guy charged me $64.00.

       Intelligence Scale 

God

V

Humans

V

Animals

V

Bugs and Worms

V

Grass and Plants

V

Dirt and Sludge and Demented Cats

V

Me

       Why? Because I was just out of gas of course.

                   
     

High School

       Oh how I hated high school. For many reasons. Looking back, I realize that there is no life situation more awkward than high school. Here are the main reasons:
1. Lunch. It is never more obvious that you are not popular than at lunch. In elementary school you had to sit at your desk to eat lunch, and then you could go out and play. In high school you are set free into the throng of teenagers immediately after class to make your own way in the world. If you can't find anyone to "hang out" with, you can eat in the library (in a desk in the corner reserved for disruptive students because technically you are not allowed to eat in there). You can sit by your locker, where there is usually a small posse of boys one grade below you making fun of you for no apparent reason or putting pudding on your locker (not in, ON). Or you can wander around trying to avoid people who will judge you for not knowing where to sit.
2. Being Called On. If you were as shy as I was in high school, being called on was torturous. Even if you know the answer, a) you turn red, b) at the sound of your unfamiliar voice all heads turn towards your desk in wonderment at your speaking, and c) for some reason you have to swallow in the middle of your sentence and it comes out sounding weird and broken up and gummy.
3. Some Teachers Just Hate You. I went to two different high schools. At the public school I went to, my gym teacher did NOT like me (I am not athletic in any way). It's stupid because as the goody-two shoes in the class, when she told us to do laps around the gym and then left, I was the only one who did them. I OBEYED, and yet, as we were jogging outside at the park, she ran up beside me and said, "You're not going to get an A with THAT attitude!"
4. Boys. Sometimes you're the new girl, and boys have contests to see who can make you talk because you are quiet. 'Nuff said.
       It's amazing we escape these institutions unscathed. I admit, once I left public school, private school was much better. But some people are made for that environment, and some are not. I was not.

Other People Have Awkward Moments Too

       REALLY???
       Yes, Danae, they do.
       That is SO cool. Here is an awkward story about someone that isn't me:
       A girl I know got asked out to prom by some guy, and she said no. He asked her using a candy gram (I know, high school, right?), and I guess even though she rejected him, for some reason she didn't think it would be awkward to continue associating with him (unlike me, I would totally burn all my bridges, sever all relations and try not to think of his feelings after the dust had settled around him).
       So her and some of her friends, including Candy Gram Guy, went out somewhere together. At some point she decided to vent her frustration about not having a prom date to her buddies. It was something along the lines of "Oooohhhh, NOBODY'S going to ask me to prom! I'm going to go ALONE!!! and be single forever..." (I may have added that last bit for my own pleasure) But she said something like that, forgetting the presence of Candy Gram Guy, who, after using a little salty language, said "Um, I asked you."
       How do you follow that?

"BAAAAAAAPS!"

       Restaurants are a breeding ground for uncomfortable situations. Why, they are practically petri dishes of awkwardness. What else do they expect when they shove 40 or 50 strangers in an open room at uncomfortably small booths and tables, give them a list of potential things they could all eat in front of each other while watching others do the same and expect them to answer questions about the quality of the meals while their mouths are full?

       Yesterday I was at Triple O's with my family. Triple O's is like a mini White Spot with only hamburgers. It is where we go before all day trips, where we go when we don't want to cook, and where we end up when it doesn't work out to go on vacation to California in the summer (if IKEA also falls through). 

       Sometimes you say something embarrassing just as everyone at every table falls silent. Sometimes you have to order awkward menu items. Or sometimes, for no reason at all, you turn to your mom and say BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPS!!! in your loudest outside voice. 

       Oh well. I had a chocolate milkshake so I was OK.

*A bap is a kind of Scottish bun that is very fun to say in an obnoxious childish voice*

*Here is an explanatory flow chart of vacation option hierarchies:

CALIFORNIA!!! (doesn't work out) ---> IKEA... (doesn't work out either) ---> Triple O's.

My Sister's (Jail) Keeper

       The other day I took my sister to Value Village to get a medieval costume for school. She decided to be a prisoner, so we bought her a striped shirt and really baggy pants. We also got a belt and used it to turn her shirt into a straight jacket. She really likes the costume, which is great, but also a good example of how weird she is; she can't do anything with her arms when she wears it as she is constantly hugging herself. You'd think that would drive one insane... But maybe that's the point.
       Anyway, she was showing the costume to my mom and I was down the hall, and as I entered the kitchen I heard my mom laughing at something - I came around the corner and my sister was awkwardly standing there with the baggy pants around her ankles and her arms tied up and useless. I laughed as well, of course, and then I turned around and my brother came into the room from the other side wearing a beret for no apparent reason.  We all laughed, and we all felt a little awkward.
       This is a normal day in my house.

How Not to Appear 8 Years Younger Than You Are

       I went out for dinner with my parents and my sister (my parents played Words With Friends on my dad's iphone pretty much the whole time). We sat just outside the "bar" section because we were in the US and you have to be 21 to drink down there. That was fine for my little sister, of course, but since I look about half my age most of the time I sometimes like to order alcohol just to PROVE I'm 19.
       I am going to guess our waiter was only a few years older than me, if that. He was very nice and suave and we all quite liked him.
       Rule #1 - In the quest to look your age, DON'T wear gumboots and DO wear some makeup. Nuff said.
       Rule #2 - If you can't order alcohol, at least don't try to order a chocolate milkshake. That's what I did. And my little sister piped up with a "me too!" as well. Which brings us to rule number three.
       Rule #3 - Don't share a meal with your little sister. No offense Lil One, but I think you brought my Apparent Age down by 3 or 4 years. (we even got the hamburger cut in half)
       Rule #4 - Don't giggle incessantly for no apparent reason, stare at the mounted TV with your mouth open, or gaze longingly at the bar, where all the "cool, older" people sit.
       Ruler #5 - If you are stupid enough to be me and break all above rules, try to bring up a conversation about your impending birthday during which you will turn 20, discreetly mention that you are considering university in the fall, or say, "Gee, I sure like being 19!!!" within earshot of the waiting staff. That last one is a little obvious but there are ways to make it work.
       I didn't consider those options though, of course, as I was having just too much fun being immature. We weren't able to get milkshakes but our waiter placated us with root beer (another faux pas, don't get immitation adult drinks: root "beer", ginger "ale", or shirley temples. It makes you seem desperate to be grown up). Everyone was having a blast until our waiter came up to us and asked my sister and I if we'd like refills of said root beer. Of course we did. I should have said, "No, now that I'm 19 my metabolism has slowed down," or "I would but I'm too old for refills," or SOMETHING along those lines. But no, I said, "SURE!" to which that suave, manly and condescending waiter turned to my parents and said;
       "Don't worry, it's caffeine free, the girls won't be up all night!"
        :(

Pretending Not to Know Someone

       When you continue living in the same town you went to school in, you are bound to meet at least a few people every now and then that you went to school or worked with at some point. At the grocery store or a coffee shop or something. And sometimes it can be a good thing, if you were and still are friends.
       However the majority seems to be people you kind of knew but not very well, making potential reunions something to be avoided. Especially if they now work at said grocery store/coffee shop.
       You can:
       1.) Acknowledge Them.
           You:  "Hey long time no see... (insert lack of name)"
           Them:  "Oh, hi."
           You:  "So, what have you been up to?"
           Them: "I work here."
           You: "Oh, yeah... I see............................................"
           Why would you do that to yourself???
       2.) Kind of imply you remember them but not really (in case it develops into above situation)
            Basically just smile and be really friendly, like you would to a kind stranger.
       3.) Pretend You Don't Know Them.
            This is what I usually do. If you can keep the glint of recognition from your eyes it should go smoothly. Most of the time people don't want to be the one recognizing so by pretending you don't, they won't bother mentioning it.
      However there are people who have no sense of social boundaries and will say,
       "HEYYYYY remember me???"
       If THIS is the case, you now have 3 new options. They are as follows.
       1.) Acknowledge Them. But they might ask to have coffee with you or something.
       2.) Pretend You Don't Know Them. Ok, that's a little rude, even for me, by this point.
                                        OR...
       3.) Temporarily Change Your Name.
            Them: "HEYYYYY remember me?"
            You: "No actually, what's your name?"
            Them: "Rudolph, from History 11! High School?"
            You: "I'm sorry, you must have me confused with someone else. I'm (insert plausible alternative name)"
            Them: "But..."
            You: "Sorry, gotta run!"
Am I a jerk because I don't like talking to bygone acquaintances?

LINK! Watch Me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1EF_tdH0nBE&feature=player_embedded

This is a beautiful portrayal of awkward physical contact. I quite enjoyed it...

The Deaf Fudger's Guild Award

       Sometimes, a sentence will just be cursed. Destined to fail no matter how many times it is repeated. And it will be repeated. Several times. It's embarrassing how your hearing will randomly just go. Somebody will say something that you should understand. You SHOULD hear them. You really want to. SO you say, "pardon me?" (or if you are rude "huh"). And they repeat themselves. But you still didn't catch it. So a little embarrassed you say, "Sorry, I didn't catch that..." Usually they will look a little put out but will say it one last time.
       And you don't hear them.
       At this point you really only have 3 options. You can be really stupid and actually ask them to repeat themselves one last time. But most likely they feel like a broken record by now so you'd probably get an eye roll and a "never miiiiiiiiiind..." And a reputation as a deaf person.
       Or you can spill something on them and apologize profusely for ruining the conversation, say, "You probably don't want to talk to me now," and run away. I find syrup and lukewarm coffee work well for this method.
       Lastly, and most likely, you will say, "Oh, yeah, for sure. Fo shizzle dawg. I agree. Wholeheartedly," and continue digging yourself into a hole with, "Yeppers, definitely. You have my agreeance! Right on. Right on..." etc. until they cut you off with "Ok, I'll pick you up at 4. Make sure you wear your costume. And bring the glue!" You will be left wondering what you've gotten yourself into and then your options are very limited from here on out.

Talking to People Who are Talking on Their Phone

       Today I was talking to my brother about going to a youth group at church. I thought he was talking to me too. But it turns out I was just talking to him and he was talking on the phone. Which is embarrassing.

Me:         "Do you want to go to youth group with me on Thursday?"

Carson:   "Only if we can go somewhere else after."

Me:         "Yeah I guess..."

Carson:   "So movie tonight?"

Me:         "No, it's next week Thursday." And why would we see a movie after???

Carson:   Comes around corner holding phone and talking to friend.

All (including parents): "Hahahahahaha!" (at me)

       It's worse when it's Bluetooth because you can be looking right at each other having a one-sided conversation that you are actually not a part of, and never know it. Bluetooth isn't cool. 

       Either way by the end you feel like you are talking to air. It's a lonely feeling.

Ordering Embarrassing Menu Items

       Some restaurants feel the need to name some of their meals ridiculous things. Like zoo sticks. Or banana caramel xango. Or even Fluffy-Nummy Sticky McMickey Pancake Pals (ok I made that one up). I think the waitresses just get a kick out of hearing us say it. Most people avoid saying it at all costs.
    You:          "I'll get this." (points)
    Waitress:   "Sorry, what was that?"
    You:          "Um, this thing.. here."
    Waitress:  "What are you pointing at?"
    You:         (in resignation) "The Southwestern Fu Manchu Holy Guacamole Smoky Okie Dokie Burger..."
    Waitress:   "SURE!"
       You get the picture. Even as a kid at a Denny's in the states one time I realized my mistake in ordering a breakfast sandwich called "Moons Over My Hammy." It felt inappropriate. Where is my hammy? and why should there be moons over it?
       Or something like that.

I Made Eye Contact with Someone I Don't Know And Now They Probably Think I Think They Are Attractive or Something

       You're standing in line at a store or waiting for the dentist or stuck at a red light. There is nothing else to look at so you look around. You see someone. They see you. You are looking at each other. You don't know each other. You both look away. But now they probably are thinking, "Why was she looking at me? Does she think I'm hott or something? What's her problem?" and you are thinking, "I feel like we're oddly connected now. I wonder if we'll get married. He's not that hott. Oh shoot, he probably thinks I think he's hott. He probably thinks I was looking at him before he looked at me! It was an accident! I SWEAR!!! I'm just going to pretend to text people from now on. Keep your eyes on the phone..."

Freaking Out on the Plane

       I went to visit my friend in Edmonton last week and had to travel there and back alone. I don't mind being alone, I just hate being alone in public. It's incredibly awkward.
       My flight there was uneventful. On the way back, though, I had to take two planes with a layover in Calgary. On the first plane I had that beautiful moment when you are stranding in the aisle after using the bathroom and the flight attendants have chosen this convenient time to hand out drinks from their aisle-sized cart. This means you can't pass them unless you climb over other passenger's laps so you are left standing there staring at a sea of strange faces and waiting. Not only that but I was sitting in row 8 and when I got out of the bathroom they were maybe by row 3.
       Eventually they let me pass by backing up, which was a fun little ordeal in such a tight space, and they figured while I was standing there in front of them they may as well offer me my drink. I like getting ginger ale on planes, especially 4 rows before I was supposed to be served, but I ended up feeling weird about it since I was just standing in the aisle in front of them watching them awkwardly maneuver their cart so I could get through while drinking a cold beverage. I felt like a slave driver.
       On the second plane I fell asleep. I like sleeping on the tray table in front of me but I HATE it when the owner of the seat with my tray table leans their seat back so I have to hunch over like a mutated gorilla to sleep. I did it though; I wedged my head in the remaining teeny crevice with my poor neck jarred at ridiculous angles and actually fell asleep.
       I must have dreamed about something weird though, because all I remember is being in a pleasant and fuzzy world when suddenly I am jolted to consciousness by the seat belt indicator ding and having a major spazz attack. I freak out of my blissful oblivion and terrify the poor kind ladies on either side of me. The seat belt indicator ding is not very loud and far from scary. Unless you are a mutated gorilla peacefully dreaming in the crevice of your tray table, of course.

Starving Because the Cleaning Lady is Here

You are at home just chillin’, and suddenly the cleaning lady is here. There is something about watching a stranger clean up your filth in front of you that doesn’t bear thinking about. So you retreat to your room. Honestly, this is happening to me right now. I’ve checked facebook, looked up universities, stretched, thought a little bit. And now I’m hungry. But the cleaning lady is upstairs. Maybe she’s even cleaning out the fridge. And if she is there is no way I can pretend I was actually coming up for something else. I only go up there to forage and watch TV and there’s no way I am watching TV while she cleans my filth.

                If there was someone else here I could pull it off. As it is I am sure she already thinks I am the world’s laziest almost-adult. Why am I not at work? If I’m not why aren’t I cleaning my own house? Why am I dressed like a slob at 12:48 in the afternoon?

                I guess I’ll just listen to music and eat my rug.

Unforeseen Stoplight

                You are separating after a little rendezvous, you both say your goodbyes and get into your respective vehicles. After a final glance their direction and a friendly wave, you are rid of them and drive off. Please, don’t make this mistake! Let them go first. Pretend to fiddle with your car or take a phone call first, whatever you do just let them drive away before you go. Because you know what will happen otherwise. You drive away at the same time after parting and end up pulling up to the same stoplight. You glance over. They glance over. Suddenly you are looking at each other only seconds after having said goodbye. Of course this will be the longest red light ever as well. Do you wave again? Smile? Pretend they don’t exist? Who knows.

                There is another way this can pan out. It’s called “We Said Goodbye and Didn’t Realize We Were Parked Beside Each Other a Full Block Away.” Pretty self explanatory. You say good bye, maybe even HUG! And part. Only you don’t part. They parked beside you. A full block away. And you have to walk to you vehicles together. Do you talk some more? This situation gives me chills.

                Picture a Combo Deal: You say goodbye, walk to your cars together very awkwardly, laugh nervously and say “OK, haha, goodbye FOR REAL this time!” get in your car, drive away, and end up at the same stoplight together. Sheesh, you might as well just move in together.

Awkward Hand Clasp

                 Picture yourself in a lovely park on a gorgeous Autumn day, strolling along with a friend or acquaintance, discussing life and the meaning of its presence. Etc.

                What a beautifully innocent scene. Until the inevitable happens. It’s bound to and you know it, somewhere in your subconscious. But you aren’t on your guard and you are walking dangerously close to your companion (Mistake!). As you walk, your hands swing carelessly at your sides, until suddenly you feel the relaxed tips of said companion’s fingers gently brush yours.

                Is it just me or is there a split second when a tingle of premonition rushes through your body, like a little supershot of adrenaline? Who knows where it comes from but suddenly the scene is not so innocent and peaceful. Suddenly instead of two friends on a walk together, you are painfully aware that for some reason out of the entire open space of Outside you could be taking advantage of to keep your appropriate distance, SOMEWHOW you managed to walk so close that your hands awkwardly clasped.

                There is a teeny lull in the conversation. And then it resumes but with much less fervor and spirit. There is not much you can do to avoid this situation because it happens to everyone at some point. But there are steps you can take to dissipate the awkwardness:

1.)    Cry for a Truce. This is the most simple solution. Shout “AWKWARD HAND CLASP!” Sometimes by mutual recognization of the situation, you can both laugh it off and resume the relationship as normal. I have had it backfire though, and my partner in awkwardness will say “that wasn’t awkward till you said that!” (in a whiny voice) Like they weren’t feeling the tension.

2.)    Fake it till You Make it. Basically pretend it was supposed to happen and grab their hand. This works well if you are really close friends and hopefully if you are married or dating. But with a lot of people it just leaves you hanging. There’s really no follow-up. But it seems more intentional. Like maybe you have control over who you touch?

3.)    The Offended Act: act offended. Say something like, “Excuse me, it’s against my beliefs  to hold hands until the third date,” or, “Whoa there Speedy, no need to get physical here!” Usually followed by moving away quite a distance and trying to look all hot and bothered, like this really stressed you out. This places all the blame on them and, yeah, maybe they will find you weird but they will feel bad, and you can laugh about it later.

4.)    Do it Again. I am convinced most of the tension in this situation arises from the lightness of the touch. So do it again only ten times harder. Give them a good, firm hand clasp or five. Really swing your arms and bat them until they squirm away and beg for mercy. That will teach them to caress your hand.

5.)    Pretend nothing happened. I don’t recommend this at all.

The Pretzel Store

I actually don’t know why I am so awkward. It’s a gift I suppose; it just comes to me naturally. I’m not joking either. I am seriously, actually known as the most awkward person ever among my peers. My mind just processes that way, and if you can learn to appreciate it it really is a beautiful thing.

                A common example: A few weeks ago I was at the mall with my sister (well, ok, and my parents)… We went to the pretzel store to buy one of those magically soft and salty pretzels. A seemingly simple and easy feat for the average 19 year old. But the cashier was one of those greasy teenage boys who act like simply being alive is so exhausting they have to move at the pace of a lethargic snail and mumble everything under their precious unwasted breath.

                So being wary of potentially awkward situations (I have a radar), when I finished paying and he went to give me my change, I immediately foresaw an awkward hand clasp. You know when making a transaction of any form, there are about 2 seconds when your hands will unnecessarily touch around the money being transferred and make the whole situation strained with undissipated tension? Well I wanted to avoid that at all costs considering my cashier was a mid-pubescent and already awkward enough developing lad, so instead of taking the proffered dollar bill, I held out my hand so he could humbly place it in my palm and back off slowly. Thankfully, he took the hint and did the first part, however after the bill was upon my hand, an impossible little gust of wind came out of nowhere and blew the dollar bill off my hand.

                That was a devastating moment for both of us. Doubly as wary of an impending hand clasp, I refrained from picking up the dollar bill from the counter, as he would probably try to do the same and then we would be weirdly touching hands at a pretzel store in the mall, and where would that leave us? I don’t even want to think about it.

                I was right in my prediction of his unpremeditated actions and watched with resigned despair as he picked up the bill and painfully slowly placed it gently back on my stupid, unmovable hand. Of course, my sister being who she is, couldn’t hold back her loud and hilarious laughter at the whole situation, and once she started I couldn’t either. Oh, we tried. I mean, we were standing directly in front of this poor awkward boy, openly and obviously laughing at his apparent stupidity, which was actually the result of my actions. Or lack thereof. But it was useless. I’m sure we ruined his self esteem for that day. I tend to do that.

                But it was funny.