Awkward Hand Clasp

                 Picture yourself in a lovely park on a gorgeous Autumn day, strolling along with a friend or acquaintance, discussing life and the meaning of its presence. Etc.

                What a beautifully innocent scene. Until the inevitable happens. It’s bound to and you know it, somewhere in your subconscious. But you aren’t on your guard and you are walking dangerously close to your companion (Mistake!). As you walk, your hands swing carelessly at your sides, until suddenly you feel the relaxed tips of said companion’s fingers gently brush yours.

                Is it just me or is there a split second when a tingle of premonition rushes through your body, like a little supershot of adrenaline? Who knows where it comes from but suddenly the scene is not so innocent and peaceful. Suddenly instead of two friends on a walk together, you are painfully aware that for some reason out of the entire open space of Outside you could be taking advantage of to keep your appropriate distance, SOMEWHOW you managed to walk so close that your hands awkwardly clasped.

                There is a teeny lull in the conversation. And then it resumes but with much less fervor and spirit. There is not much you can do to avoid this situation because it happens to everyone at some point. But there are steps you can take to dissipate the awkwardness:

1.)    Cry for a Truce. This is the most simple solution. Shout “AWKWARD HAND CLASP!” Sometimes by mutual recognization of the situation, you can both laugh it off and resume the relationship as normal. I have had it backfire though, and my partner in awkwardness will say “that wasn’t awkward till you said that!” (in a whiny voice) Like they weren’t feeling the tension.

2.)    Fake it till You Make it. Basically pretend it was supposed to happen and grab their hand. This works well if you are really close friends and hopefully if you are married or dating. But with a lot of people it just leaves you hanging. There’s really no follow-up. But it seems more intentional. Like maybe you have control over who you touch?

3.)    The Offended Act: act offended. Say something like, “Excuse me, it’s against my beliefs  to hold hands until the third date,” or, “Whoa there Speedy, no need to get physical here!” Usually followed by moving away quite a distance and trying to look all hot and bothered, like this really stressed you out. This places all the blame on them and, yeah, maybe they will find you weird but they will feel bad, and you can laugh about it later.

4.)    Do it Again. I am convinced most of the tension in this situation arises from the lightness of the touch. So do it again only ten times harder. Give them a good, firm hand clasp or five. Really swing your arms and bat them until they squirm away and beg for mercy. That will teach them to caress your hand.

5.)    Pretend nothing happened. I don’t recommend this at all.